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Parenthood

Respectability Politics aka The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Respectability politics – “the set of beliefs holding that conformity to socially acceptable or mainstream standards of appearance and behavior will protect a member of a marginalized or minority group from prejudices and systemic injustices.” – dictionary.com

‘Respectability politics’ the ultimate form of gaslighting or the lies we tell ourselves. If only we behaved ‘better’, looked ‘better’, spoke ‘better’ then we wouldn’t be subjected to racism and injustices. It can rule the lives for people of African descent and negatively influence our parenting experience.

Parenting Problems

Image credit: @momfully.you and @_happyasamother

When I first saw the image above, it resonated so deeply. While I may not be mothering black children, I am a person of African descent. I am never made more aware of the colour of my skin than when I am parenting my children. From the way I dress them, to their behaviour and the world around them.

In 2017, W started attending a state primary school. The majority of the pupils came from South East London’s Afro-Caribbean community. The staff did not. There was a startling lack of diversity, and an unwillingness to acknowledge Black History Month. When I removed him to be home educated at the start of the second term, I gifted books with diverse characters to the school library.

When W was on the ASD diagnosis pathway, most of the doctors I met referred to the statistics of being a boy from a single-parent, black ethnic minority family. I am hypersensitive to the fact that any slip up would not be looked upon as favourably as their peers from white British families. I often hear myself telling the boys that “I don’t want anybody talking to me about your behaviour.”. And nobody does. Oftentimes friends will compliment on how well-behaved and polite the boys are. Gushing with enthusiasm as to what a pleasure they are to be around and they press me for details. What’s my secret?

Neurosis and paranoia.

And these extend beyond parenting, these concerns influenced my naming choices before they were even born.

What’s in a name?

I love the boys names and I wouldn’t change them for the world. They completely fit their personalities and I have no regrets. However, I was conscious of the negative impact a typically BAME name could have on their future. I had to take the potential consequences into account when naming them, before I even knew what they looked like. W has a deliberately unisex name for this reason, and B’s could easily be the name of a child from a white middle-class ‘crunchy’ family.

I’m reminded of the episode in Black-ish when Dre argues to name the baby DeVante and he says to Bo “The only reason we’re not naming our son DeVante is so people won’t know right away that he’s black. I hate the fact that when something is black, the world sees it as bad.”.

I don’t know if I will ever have more children. But as the world is starting to wake up, I am determined to reclaim my heritage and my history for myself and my children. Given the opportunity, would I opt for a ‘black name’? I honestly don’t know. While I have shunned every opportunity to conform to society’s standard of ‘acceptable’ – namely in the education of my children and the parenting methods employed (hello attachment, autonomous supportive, gentle parenting!) – I seem to be unable to shake the shackles of respectability politics.

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Parenthood

3 ways to promote positive self-image in boys of African descent

I made a mistake. I thought that I was doing everything I could to educate my children about our black heritage and black lives. But I forgot the important of promoting a positive self-image for them as boys of African descent.

I have written blogs about my own experiences as a child, for Black History Month and International Women’s Day. All of these have been centred around my experience as a dual heritage woman with African ancestry. I bought the books celebrating Black Women in history. I bought the books with little black and brown girls as the main characters. Because, I wanted to promote a positive image of girls and women of African descent.

Somehow, along the way I forgot about the boys. While my boys are white-passing when it comes to first impressions, they refer to themselves as ‘light brown’. Lining up at the pool with white British children, there was a clear difference in skin colour, and as a result treatment by certain swim instructors. Their green eyes, considered a novelty, formed a superficial basis for a majority of their positive interactions with white adults. And it wasn’t until our trip to Naples, Italy when W declared joyfully “Mum, they have hair like me!” that I realised he was self-conscious about his appearance.

I soon found myself on Amazon, looking up “Black Boy Books for Children“, looking for boys about happy curly-haired boys. However, I am aware there is more that I could and should be doing to promote a positive self-image in my children, as boys who will eventually become men of African descent. So, without further ado, here are 5 ways to promote a positive self-image in boys of African descent.

3 Simple Ideas To Help Promote Positive Self-Image in Boys of African Descent

1. Inspiration

Look at the Black men in your life. Highlight their achievements, use them as role models for your child. Inspire them to be as kind, caring, passionate and innovative as the Black men in their families and communities.

Promote prominent Black men in history and their achievements, look at Black men around the world and explore their successes. Show them that they can grow up to men who are just as capable.

2. Representation

What images do they see representing children and families of African descent? Make a conscious effort to promote black positive books, cartoons and films in your home.

Books: Black Boy Books for Children
Cartoons and Films: 11 Black Animated Movies and Shows – Bustle.com

3. Conversation

Talk to your child, build up their self worth by:
– encouraging growth mindset
– celebrating what makes them unique
– praising your child and working with your child
– promoting confidence in their identity

Photo by nappy on Pexels.com